Sunday, September 13, 2009

Stop Wearing Cologne

I describe the experience as "having my nose holes raped". It is the penetration of a bodily orifice without consent. Yes, I find cologne and perfume that offensive. Apparently I am in the small minority of people who feel this way, because any time I mention my aversion to someone, I am rebuked.

I am not allergic to perfume. I just don't like it. At all. I don't think that smelling like flowers or fruits or an animal is a good thing. If it's something you can't help, that's one thing. But to purposefully put a scent on yourself and - more importantly - to force others to smell it? That is inconsiderate and down-right rude.

But, as I already mentioned, most people disagree with me. I've never had anything more than logic, manners and personal preference to back me up. Well, I didn't, until today.

I was finishing Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. Chapter 14 covers the topic of hormones, pheromones and scents. The following is an excerpt from page 292:

I have a better suggestion for Cutler's* customers. Stop wearing cologne. Women don't find it attractive. If you don't believe me, here is a quote from a press release from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago: "Men's colognes actually reduced vaginal blood flow." Foundation director Al Hirsch hooked women up to a vaginal photoplethysmograph and had them wear surgical masks scented with ten different aromas or combination of aromas.
* Cutler is Winnifred Cuttler, whose name you might recognize from magazine advertisements for Athena Pheromone 10X.

There you are. Science has shown that women are not stimulated by your cologne. So now you can stop wearing it.


Mike Lowrey (a.k.a. ThinCrust) said...

Hilarious my boy...just Hiilarious!

I usually reserve my And Go segments My Awesome Blogsite but I think you've earned it for this post!


- So you just not gonna act straight anymore? You just giving up the whole act huh?

- Dude...Even Rupublicans (who are Anti giving poor folks access to healthcare) aren't anti smelling good!

- Wow, No wonder your favorite song is Oscar the Grouch's hit song, "I Love Trash"!

- What has this world come to when the worse thing you can say to a person is, "That's why you smell good". That gives a whole new meaning to playing the Dozens!

- Are you Harvey Milk reincarnated?

- Mama Conn I feel so sorry for you... I think now is the time to tell him that he was adopted and that Lady Gaga is his biological mother.

Dude's what's next...a post about how Soap and Water is from the Devil or that Deodorant is Evil.

Mike Lowrey a.k.a.ThinCrust said...

Trust me....

Stinking does NOT make a woman's vagina wet!

Mr. Lowrey a.k.a. Mr. "Make It Wetter" could tell you many things that will make a Vagina wet...But I won't.

That's a convo you and your moms needs to have about where babies come from!

Unknown said...

There is a middle ground between stinking and being all cologned up. It's called being clean and it is achieved through the use a piece of technology that has been around since the start of written history: soap.

If you want to keep on believing that your cologne makes you more attractive to women you might want to put in a prayer to black Jesus. Maybe white Jesus too, because unlike like the last date you had who told you "it happens to everyone", the photoplethysmograph doesn't lie.

plumpdumpling said...

I'm stimulated by your cologne. Well, not YOUR cologne (you smell like an unwashed Indian), but I seriously am more attracted to Kamran right after he puts on his Chanel Allure aftershave. What does that say about me?

You may appreciate this.

Unknown said...

I think it says that your vagina is broken.