Sunday, August 23, 2009

Why I Don't Like Popcorn

On December 1, 2004, Kelley made herself some popcorn. She found this piece of popcorn in her bowl. Just like the grilled cheese sandwich that bears the likeness the Virgin Mary and the dog whose anus resembles Jesus, the penis-shaped popcorn had to be preserved. Kelley got a little plastic container to store it for posterity.

Popcorn 2004

On Friday posterity arrived. Kelley was doing some cleaning and found the popcorn. Here is a picture of the popcorn today. It is perfectly preserved. This is why I don't like popcorn. It has nothing to do with its phallic shape. Anything cooked that can sit in our closet for almost 5 years and show no visible signs of aging is something I want no part of.

Popcorn 2009

Friday, August 21, 2009

Things That Missouri Probably Doesn't Need

Someone came up with the idea for a Coast Guard recruiting station in Kansas City, Missouri. Someone approved the idea. Someone made the idea a reality. And today, thanks to these unnamed public servants, in a strip mall near the Kansas City International Airport, there is a Coast Guard recruiting center.

Coast Guard recruiting office in Kansas City

The most logical part of the whole thing is that the recruiting center is located near an airport, considering the city's proximity to large bodies of water:
  • Lake Michigan: 430 miles
  • Gulf of Mexico: 650 miles
  • Atlantic Ocean: 930 miles
  • Pacific Ocean: 1,130 miles

Sunday, August 2, 2009

White Castle... Yum!

White Castle is a fast food chain that people love or hate. The tiny burgers are steamed, and this method of cooking is not the best for bringing out the flavor of meat. The patty is a sliver of beef that creates a glue-like bond between it and the bun. The bun becomes damp and mushy in the places where it comes into direct contact with the meat. My mouth is watering as I write this...

White Castle's brilliant pulled pork sandwich ad.

One of my all-time favorite TV commercials is for White Castle's pulled pork sandwich. It's a little creepy, and a little inappropriate, but I think it's hilarious. I assume that was intentional, unlike my next example of White Castle-themed entertainment.

Last year a law went into effect in New York City that requires restaurants with more than 15 outlets to post calorie information for the items they sell. Chain restaurants fought the law - and lost. So now New Yorkers can clearly see the number of calories they are about to consume. The law even applies to items that are so clearly unhealthy - like Wendy's Baconator - that putting a calorie count next to them appears to be done solely for the amusement of people who would never consider eating them.

White Castle calorie chart.

Calorie-wise, White Castle's food is not any worse than any other chain restaurant's. But White Castle almost certainly has a lock on having the highest calorie item available in a chain restaurant in New York City.

I'm not talking about Sack Meal #4, featuring 20 burgers, though I'd bet that few restaurants have anything that would be a worthy challenger to Sack Meal #4's 4080 calories. Sack Meal #4 does deserve special recognition for being a pre-configured meal option that includes 20 burgers. Most chains don't even offer a multi-sandwich combination.

Nor am I talking about the gallon-size drink that is available. That is listed at 100 calories, which has to be a mistake. I'm going to assume that a gallon of soda has 1000 calories. That's a lot of calories in a drink, but there are numerous items on White Castle's menu that exceed 1000 calories. However, just like Sack Meal #4, this menu item deserves recognition for being significantly larger than similar items offered by White Castle's competition.

I'm talking about the 14,230 calorie Crave Crate. Sure, unlike Sack Meal #4, it's not an item that a single person could possibly eat. But it is a single menu item, and as such, its calories must be listed.