Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What is wrong with my cat?

I adopted my cat from the Oregon Humane Society in 2000. I didn't want a cat who would bite and scratch up my furniture. So I definitely didn't want a kitten. I would never get a grown cat declawed, but since I couldn't really feel guilty about getting an adult cat that was already declawed, I figured that was probably the way to go.

Taffeta was sitting in a cage with a red bandanna tied around her neck. Her cage had a sign indicating that she was 6 years old, had her front claws removed, and she didn't get along with other animals

I'm not sure what part of her life is stressful, but the plastic-ruler/stress-tester indicates that Taffeta is feeling stressed.

Vicious rumors persist of her being sexually molested by her previous owner. Her previous owner gave her up, but nobody at the Humane Society ever explained why. The idea that she is the feline victim of a sex offender in Multnomah County might make for a good story, but it is complete fantasy, no matter how many times the Edwards women say it's true.

This fur ball is approximately the size of Taffeta's head.

Anyway, Taffeta has been shedding a lot lately. The other day I brushed her for about 5 minutes, and I collected the biggest fur ball I've ever seen. The title of this post has to do with the fact that she left me brush her for so long without hissing at me and then running away, not with the way that she has been dropping fur like crazy.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

An idea whose time has not yet come

While watching MonsterQuest - Giant Killer Snakes, we saw a commercial for a new product called YOURS+MINE from K-Y. The commercial featured an annoyingly giddy couple sitting on a bed, repeatedly interrupting one another with excitement over their discovery.

The ad didn't explain what the stuff does, so I went to K-Y's website, which describes the product like this:

Introducing a revolutionary new product for couples called YOURS+MINE. It's chemistry, the human kind. He puts the purple on her. She puts the blue on his. And when they combine, there's an amazing reaction that we're too shy to tell you about. Explore it for yourselves. And get ready for something completely different.

The perfect product for couples who are completely indiscriminate when it comes to placing things on and in their genitals.

So let me get this straight: K-Y is selling a product that comes with two substances that can only be described by their color. I am supposed to put one of the substances on my genitals. My partner is supposed to put the other substance on her genitals. And K-Y is not going to tell me what is going to happen to us because they are too shy.

I think I'll pass.

Friday, October 24, 2008

People who eat cigars are disgusting

The list of things I've never seen before has just been reduced by one. This afternoon I saw a man eating a cigar on the subway (of course).

It's hard to tell from this picture, but this man is eating a cigar.

It was really gross, and this is coming from the man who takes pictures of barf and dead animals.

Monday, October 20, 2008

People who smoke cigars are assholes

This is a post that I will probably regret before the end of the day. In fact, I will probably walk in the front door to Kelley smoking one. She doesn't care what I call her. Besides, she might even agree with me on this one.

I probably should just point you to the Cigar Aficianado website and stop writing, because it's true that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Is there any public act that is more obnoxious than cigar smoking? With cigarettes, at least, there is the act of inhaling, where the smoker's lungs filter out some of the stink and poison. But people don't inhale cigar smoke. They just let the foul smell sit in their mouths for a while before releasing the fumes for the rest of us to choke on.

Keep telling yourself you look this good when you're smoking a cigar.

In New York it's illegal to smoke in any business except for licensed cigar lounges. I pass one on a regular basis on Broad Street. As I walk by, I cringe at the sight of fat men with pink faces and white hair sitting on leather chairs enjoining their cigars as the stock market up the street crashes and burns.

I'm not willing to say that everyone who smokes a cigar is an asshole, but I am willing to say that everyone who smokes a cigar is an asshole while he is smoking it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Tonight we got a little culturized

Tonight, Kelley accompanied me to see a panel discussion with A.J. Jacobs and Daniel Radosh. They were interviewed by the wonderfully cynical David Rakoff.

Daniel Radosh, David Rakoff, and A.J. Jacobs.

A.J. Jacobs's most recent book is The Year Of Living Biblically (which I liked, but not as much as his previous book, The Know-It-All). Daniel Radosh's newest book is Rapture Ready!,which, as Rakoff pointed out in his introduction of Radosh, is worth the price if only for its "interview" with Stephen Baldwin.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Why can't I stop taking pictures of horrible and disgusting things?

A month or two ago Kelley noticed a pigeon trapped in the wires under the elevated tracks of the F train. The bird was flapping wildly, desperate to free itself and resume its usual routine.

I wonder how many MTA employees have looked at this dead body and said, "Not my job!"

Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. The next morning, as I climbed the stairs to the subway station, I looked for the bird. It was dead. Today I looked for the pigeon. It was still there, and still dead, hanging like a sick bat.

This was the size of a squirrel, but a little better behaved.

A short while later, Kelley, Fay and I were riding the F train into the city. I was looking at Kelley, who said something about me not liking "those". I looked over and noticed a tiny animal about 12 inches from my face.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Taking stock of my photograph collection

On my ride home from work tonight I learned that I need to be a little more discriminating when it comes to photography.

I was on the F train in Brooklyn when I heard the telltale sound of a liquid hitting the floor. My first thought was of a homeless man was pissing himself. However, as I scanned the ground I saw, across from me, a growing pool of vomit next to a woman's feet.

You don't really want to click this image, do you?

It doesn't matter how many times I see people excreting bodily fluids on the subway, it continues to shock me. But that's not the point of this post.

As I exited the train I took a picture of the mess. When I tried to save the picture using the file name "barf", my phone asked me, "Overwrite existing file?"

Sweet Tards

Today I became the parent of a confectionery special needs baby! Mini Sweet Tarts normally have 3 chromosomes, but mine had an extra 1/2.

Unfortunately, this is not the Willy Wonka version of a 4-leaf clover. I didn't have a particularly lucky day.